Love The Way You Lie

Lyrics

I'm so torn by this song and video. I read here that the relationship in this story is mutually abusive, that it goes both ways. But I don't think the video shows that. I see Megan Fox as the victim, even if she does throw a punch or two. She is the one running from him, the one hiding in the bathroom, the one having to forgive, the one deciding to leave the relationship, never the other way around.

I can't stop watching the video, and listening/singing this song. Something about it feels so real and raw, that I'm not too critical of it, even with a line like "I'm a tie her to the bed and set the house on fire". Am I  a bad feminist? Pop culture have too much of a hold on me? The song's lyrics are explicit and detailed, but also ambiguous. Does Eminem really regret his actions, or is he lying to get her back? Maybe both?

Knowing both Eminem's and Rihanna's history of abuser and victim, does that make this song ok? Does the song and video excuse domestic violence? Why did Rihanna choose to sing lyrics that pretty much excuse Chris Brown's actions?

This is what Rihanna said in an interview with Access Hollywood:

"It just was authentic. It was real," Rihanna continued. "It was believable for us to do a record like that, but it was also something that needed to be done and the way he did it was so clever. He pretty much just broke down the cycle of domestic violence and it's something that a lot people don't have a lot of insight on, so this song is a really, really powerful song and it touches a lot of people."

This seems to be empowering to Rihanna. Maybe this is her way to deal with the abuse she experienced. And who are we to judge her? To tell her that "No, you're doing it wrong"? This is her taking her experience, her life, into her own hands and making a statement.


The fact that this song is making me feel all conflicted and bringing up so much emotion from me makes it successful in a way. On the other hand, the way I read and interpret this song/video might be part of the minority. The other day while listening to this song on the radio, after it finished the DJ said something along the lines of, "oh boy, I bet a lot of girls are singing this at the top of their lungs after a few drinks". Is he saying that girls like being in abusive relationships? That they will in the end forgive if they're drunk (there is a lot of alcohol involved in this video)? More victim blaming?

I'm aware that these are all questions and not a lot of answers, but this is all I have right now. Just questions.

One positive thing I can say is that after making this video, Megan Fox donated the money she made from it to a women's shelter, Soujourn House. So it looks like if the song's goal was to raise awareness and help for domestic violence, it is getting there.

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Breast Ironing in Cameroon

It seems that over and over we see a new way people want to control bodies, and more specifically women's bodies.  In Cameroon, mother's are ironing the breasts (here, here) of their young (as young as 9 years old) daughters in order to delay development and "protect" them from early pregnancy and rape.  About a quarter of girls nationwide undergo this procedure.  Their mothers take a hot stone or something similar, and press them on the barely developed breasts while twisting, which is not only physically painful, but probably also causes psychological and long term physical damage.

They do this to stop their bodies from attracting men and save them from early teen pregnancy, which is very high in Cameroon.  Once a girl becomes pregnant, they never finish school.

What we have here is yet another example of not only controlling women's bodies, but of victim blaming.  By placing the blame of rape on her breast development, it becomes the girl's fault for her rape.  And so her body is changed, deformed, made to accommodate the current rape culture, instead of teaching those who rape that the simple existence of breasts is not excuse, reason, or invitation for anything.

In a video from CurrentTV, an anthropologist says that many mothers think, "Maybe if I remove the signs of sexuality on the body, then that body will attract nobody for some time".  This kind of thinking reduces a woman, not just to men but to themselves, as only a body, that ultimately will only be good for sex.

If we still aren't convinced that comprehensive sex education is a necessity, then I don't know what else to show you.

Perpetrator blaming? What a concept!

In honor of sexual assault awareness month, here is a satirical video (note: features robots) from Sociological Images that pokes fun at the way we tell women how not to be sexually assaulted. Instead, it outlines a way we can tell men how not to sexually assault:

Top Ten Strategies That Are Guaranteed To Stop Rape Every Time

1. When you see a woman walking alone after dark do not assault her.

2. As a general rule do not have sex with someone unless they are awake and agree to what is happening

3. Always use the buddy system. If you do not think you can resist the urge to sexually assault someone, ask a friend to accompany you when you go out in public or to parties.

4. When buying someone a drink, deliver the beverage to them without adding a roofie or any other drug.

5. If your date or anyone else falls asleep on your couch while walking a movie, remember to not assault them.

6. The best course of actions when entering a woman's house is to wait for her to invite you in through the front door. Try to resist the urge to crawl through an open window or an unlocked rear door.

7. Always carry a rape whistle and pepper spray. When you feel the urge to rape someone blow the whistle so that your buddy from strategy number 3 can call for help. If help does not arrive fast enough, spray the pepper spray directly into your eyes.

8. If you are hired by a woman to perform a service at her house, be sure to provide the requested service and then exit the house without raping her.

9. If you find yourself following a woman in her car, immediately turn your car in the direction of the nearest police or fire station station and notify authorities about your desire to rape. Also before you leave a parking lot, be sure to check your back seat for any one who you might be trying to abduct and sexually assault. Set any unwilling passengers free without assaulting them before driving away.

10. Watch for signs of miscommunication with friends. If somebody asks to spend the night at your house or asks them to walk you across campus at night it is probably an indication that they think you will not rape them. Clearly state your intentions so they know what to expect. Also be sure to send clear signals about your desires before going on a date. Let the other person know that you expect the evening to end with a sexual assault. If you do not clearly indicate your intentions, the other person may misinterpret it as a sign that you do not intend to sexually assault them.

Instead of constantly victim blaming, we need to realize that "the only person who can prevent a sexual assault is the person who is going to commit it." We tell people not murder rather than not to get murdered. Why can't we use this same principal when it comes to rape?

While, these rules are intended as jokes, at the same time they should be taken seriously. Although you assume these principles to be common sense, obviously they are not as widely understood taking into account the amount of sexual assault that happens. We need to encourage potential rapists to stop and think about these principles before they act.

photos courtesy of padraicyclops via Flickr and amazon.com.